From age six, the very earliest I could attend camp, I have wanted to stay there forever. To the six year old mind a week was usually about right, but for me, I wanted to stay for so much longer. I can still remember on the day my parents picked me up from my first ever week of camp and asked: "So, did you cry at all?". I looked up at them seriously and replied: "Only last night because I knew I had to come home."
I cried again recently the night before I came home from camp, only this time I am much older and stayed for much longer. Thinking back, perhaps it would have been better if I hadn't been there as long as I had, though something could also be attributed to the absense of one of my tent mates for almost a week of the camp. I am beginning to think that if she had never left it would have never left Kayla and I alone together in the same small springbar tent and then again if she had never left the two of us alone I may have never developed the feelings that I did.
Kayla is possibly one of the smartest people I have ever met, not to mention funny, pretty, easy to talk to and open. If it were more seasoned at the game of love I may have been able to realize my feelings sooner but alas I was doomed to the unrequited love. It and I have recently seemed to become the best of friends. Everytime I decide to get close to someone, to like them and open myself to them, something always happens that is akin to a slap in the face. Recently I opened myself to one my my close female friends who I have been crushing over for a while. Though, it seems the minute I have begun to accept my feelings she out of the blue begins to date a man whom I loath and hate wiht all that I am.
I believe this may be the moment which I chose to recoil on myself, refusing to allow myself anymore pain at the hands of love and affection. I subconsciously told myself that if I were to put my feelings out in the open that I would only be subjected to more rejection, hence closing my personal walls so that no one would be able to get close enough to hurt me again. I did most of this unknowingly, setting up invisible barriers to keep myself safe from the pain I didn't want to feel again. However; I don't believe any of us are so lucky.
While sharing a small tent with two other girls I felt nothing out of the ordinary. As usual my mind had been through the process by which it finds people attractive with most of the people I had come into contact with. Most of these people were put off for there was nothing that struck me which is common for me. Though, Kayla was one of the two whom I had chosen to share a tent with along with one of our other frieds. Of the three mats we were using to sheild ourselves from the unforgiving ground our friend had chosen the middle and Kayla and I were on opposite sides of her. During our last week however; our friend left us from Sunday until Thursday.
At first I didn't put to much thought into this, it simply meant that by pushing the mats together Kayla and I could create a much larger space for the two of us to sleep. Though, the morning after our first night as the only two in our tent was when things began to complicate themselves.
I am in no way a morning person and was more content to stay holed up in my sleeping bag than attempt to wake up that Monday morning. I woke up to find that my face was only inches from hers, and being the person I am I immediately focused on her eyes which I had never really payed much attention to before. I really liked them. She sat up and told me it was time to wake up to which I promptly responded: "In a minute." She sighed and laid back down, and her hand somehow found its way to my head. In the half sleep, half wake state I was in it didn't really comprehend in my mind what was happening as she laid there in silence and scratched my head. I felt completely safe and accepted in those five minutes we stayed like that, like nothing in the world could really shake me. It was a feeling I had not had since my friend and I had sat in silence outside of choir class with her head in my lap telling me her day to day problems.
I wrote off this happening, telling myself that there was nothing really worth getting my hopes up for. Something I've come to realize being bi in the enviornment I live in is that I will have to accept falling for straight people who will never really return my feelings. It's something I'm learning to accept as time passes. However; later that day I returned to the tent to find her reading a story off her phone. She had told me about it early and it had peaked my intrest. Without even really thinking about it I laided down next to her with my head on her shoulder and the rest of my body rather close to hers. She didn't move or shrink away, she simply handed me the phone and told me how to use the scroll and font adjuster, then chided me when I almost closed the window she was in. She didn't freak out about the position, or about how close I had been. Instead she had acted like it was something we did all the time, something common place for the two of us.
Over the next few nights alone with her I began to develope something I did not recognize til our last night as the only two in the tent. Her comfortable and soothing presense made me feel safe. I felt like I hadn't felt since I had had my heart broken the first time and closed myself off from the possiblity of liking someone again. Just having her near me was enough. I think I realized what I was feeling and tried to distance myself from her a bit, telling myself it only would lead to another rejection. But, I found that I missed her presense when she wasn't there, that I didn't like being away from her. I didn't really want to be apart from her. Soon after this came the realization of how short our time together was and I doubled my efforts at staying close to her, my vow to keep myself closed from the emotion long forgotten.
We arrived at the last night much to quickly. The last night we, as well as most of our unit, decided to sleep outside, as some form of final bonding before we would once again go our separate ways. As it was my last chance to confim anything I had felt over the last week and a half I laid my mat beside hers and settled in for what I was sure would be a difficult night, not only for myself, but for the unit as a whole.
They came around to sing to us, and sang a song called "Third Fence Post". The song goes as follows:
I've been sittin’ here thinkin’ ‘bout leaving,
When I wanted to stay the most;
So I went outside and left a piece of my heart,
Buried by the third fence post.
And when tomorrow morning comes,
I’ll be smiling, though I might be a little down;
Though my body’s leaving, I’ll still be around.
I've been sittin’ here thinkin’ ‘bout smiling,
And all the warmth and the love you give;
So I went inside your little house,
And I’m glad this is how you live.
And when tomorrow morning comes,
I’ll be smiling, though I might be a little down;
Though my body’s leaving, I’ll still be around.
I've been sittin’ here thinkin’ ‘bout flowers and sunshine
And happiness and being alive,
Which means I’m dreaming of you
And all the water and mountains,
And plenty of wide open skies.
And when tomorrow morning comes,
I’ll be smiling, though I might be a little down;
Though my body’s leaving, I’ll still be around.
I've been sittin’ here thinkin’ ‘bout crying,
And all the love that is in our hearts,
Which means I’m thinking of you
And all the things that we’ve done,
And I’m glad this is how friends start
And when tomorrow morning comes,
I’ll be smiling, though I might be a little down;
Though my body’s leaving, I’ll still be around.
The song hit home a lot harder than I had thought that it would. Before I was really sure of what was happening I found myself laying there, curled in my sleeping bag, and crying. Kayla looked up at me and asked me what was wrong. I told her. She smiled and reached over and took my hand and told me it would be alright.
I felt safe again. Safe like I can never remember feeling. It was then that I realized that I had serious feelings for her. That she was a person who could make me feel safe and welcome and like less of an outcast than I commonly am. After not too long she feel asleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I cursed myself for not realizing it sooner and cursed all the barriers I was sure were partly responsible for myself being so reluctant to admit my own feelings to myself.
The next day we all went our separate ways, and I silently promised myself I wouldn't fall out of contact with her. That I would wait and see where my emotions took me and in the future if I was confindent enough I would tell her how I felt. Recently I've been remember this promise to myself, and a thought I had hoped would never cross my mind reared its ugly head: what if I was simply rejected again. I didn't want to think about it but reality suddenly, and rather violently, came crashing down around me. She was straight, she was most likely straight and my cofession would only serve to make things between us awkward. The walls threw themselves immediately back up.
Last night, I texted someone who I trust very deeply with my emotions and trust her to give me advice she knows is for my best intrests. I love her dearly for it. She told me some things that I really needed to hear. She told me that life is putting yourself out there, even knowing that in the end you may be rejected, and that if I never tell people how I feel and remain silent due to my fears I may never find that one person who will mean the world to me. I'm still searching myself for an answer to the question that has plagued my mind for the last few weeks: "How do I tell her I like her?" So far nothing has come up that could be viewed as remotely helpful. I just keep coming up with fear of rejection, and following quickly on its heels are the walls and barriers I had so carefully constructed to keep myself from being hurt again.
I really like her, and I'm beginning to feel that those emotions will weigh out my fear of being rejected by her. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I told her that I liked her, even if that outcome might simply be rejection. Slowly I'm coming to find that I need accept the fact that I will probably be hurt in this life. That everytime I lay myself out to someone I run the risk of being hurt, but if I don't run that risk I could miss out on something really great.
I'm trying to sort out all of these fucked up emotions battling with one another inside my mind and heart. My muse is screaming at me to accept it and tell her while my brain is rationalizing that it may only lead to more pain. While my brain has never lead me astray, my Muse knows me better than anyone and wouldn't tell me things unless it was really what she felt was in my best intrests.
I will allow you all to get back to your lives now. Thank you for enduring with me.
So, this whole situation seemed to start a few months ago with rumors of shaky foundations and unfaithfullness. First of all were the rumors of Jon's affair. This 'affair' being what most seem to find the beginning of all the unpleasantness. Between the gossip, the photos, and the inside from said affairs brother Jon really couldn't show his face in public without the media whipping themselves into a frenzy. My personal favorite is the one with her in a swimsuit at the Gosslin home. Another of my favorite bits from this picture were that it was clear that there were at least two other men there with Jon. This fact of course was conveniently left out of the article which focused mostly on accusing Jon of a hundred things that may or may not have been. The closest anyone got to a solid fact were the photos.
Kate was all in a fuss about that situation when another arose: rumors about an affair she herself was supposedly having with her body guard. An article I read said that "they seem to spend a lot of time around each other". I'm sorry, it may just be me, but isn't a body guard supposed to stay close to the person they're guarding? Wouldn't it be horribly pointless to have a body guard that you kept at arms length? I never understood where half of this even came from. It always seemed to me like the whole thing was made up, nothing more than the paparatzzi trying to drum up more trouble for these people and frankly it shocks me.
As if the rumors of the affairs weren't enough for these two to deal with then Kate's brother and sister came forth is the quote unquote "really story" about their sisters life. Frankly I think everything these two say should be completely disregarded. Why? Because from what I've heard from the two of them it is my opinion that they are not doing this because they care about their nieces and nephews or because they care about their sister. They are simply trying to get their fifteen minutes of fame at the expense of their sisters family. It's not like they say anything new, it's always the same story, just reworded. I have yet to hear anything new from them, it's always explotation this, and child labor laws that. Honestly, half of it sounds to be like complete bull shit and the other half I felt could have been said without publicly trashing their sister. It surprises me how quickly your family turns on you.
But my all time favorite thing of all was the article that came out when Kate spanked her daughter. This to me, is the most complete and utter load of shit I have ever heard. The article said that Kate was speaking on the phone while Leah was blowing a whistle. Kate told her to stop blowing it while she was on the phone and Leah did not stop and that's when Kate spanked her. I told this senerio to my mother who told me quite calmly that if I had done something like that she would not have hesitated to spank me at that age. I was spanked as a young child, everyone I know was spanked as a child. I will spank my child if I feel the situation merits it. The best part of the entire article however was when it said that the police showed up. Though, they didn't show up because Leah had been hit, they showed up because the paparatzzi were crowding and obstructing traffic. Another high light of the story was every time it aired on TV it was nothing but a montogue of the same pictures being showed over and over again.
In closing I for one am very sorry that all of this happened to the two of them. They were people just like the rest of us who were struck with an amazing gift and who were brought down by media explotation. They were like anyone else. I'm sorry that it happened to them and hope the best for them with their future. The divorce for me sounded like maybe it came a bit soon but if it's meant to be it's meant to be and if it's not then it's not. I hope the best for the both of them as well as their family ((save for her brother and sister because I'm a shallow and vindictive bitch)).
That's all really, just thought I'd throw my two cents into the pot before all is said and done.
Life can be really funny some times.
I don't have a lot of problems with those in my life, I rarely have problems with my friends in my life. We have fights over stupid shit like everyone else but it takes a lot to get us rattled or really upset at each other. At least this is how I try to be because I don't want to be the bitchy friend who always has a problem with what everyone around her is doing and so I don't really try to concern myself too greatly with the things going on in my friends life that they don't want me to be involved in. Unfortunately, this is really hard concerning one of my friends.
I've known for a while that regardless the gender of the person I feel a connection to I will feel the same way about them. If I happened to have a crush or have feelings for another girl I decided that I would not let that worry me or make me feel any differently about them. Right now, that decision is really starting to hurt.
I have a friend that I've been friends with for a couple of years now, and she's really smart, and funny, and talented and pretty and all the things that a guy would pretty much kill for in a girl. I never really knew if I liked her or not, but recently she's started dating my other friends ex. I dislike the man very much, and I find myself liking him less and less recently and it seems to be unfounded dislike. Also, I think I've realized whether or not I have feelings for the female friend in question.
Ever since they started dating I've felt baseless jealousy towards him. I hate seeing them together, I hate it when she talks about him, and I hate it when everyone around me says how cute they look together. We were passing notes today in Physics and I asked her what she honestly saw in him. What I got back was almost half a page of all the things that were just great about him. I could handle the things about him being funny, or him being smart, but my heart didn't break until I got the middle of her explination. Her words exactly were "He see's the real me and likes me for me. He doesn't put on an act..." The only thing that kept me from breaking into tears was the fact that she was only a few desks away and I wasn't going to let her see me. Even though I was sitting there on the verge of tears I wrote back that I was glad that she was happy and I hoped that everything worked out for her.
I suck at the game of love and I'm not really sure why. Everyone who I develope any sort of feelings for is either already in love with someone else or manages to drag me through the dirt and laugh. A lot of the people are not people I choose to love but more the people who have just sort of come into my life and been a strong presence and influence on me. I just barely finished grapling with myself over whether or not I had feelings for one of my guy friends. He hadn't been at school for a couple of days and he randomly started popping up in my dreams so I had to do some soul searching before I finally told myself that I loved him as a friend and always would and nothing else. I wrote the dreams off as just that I missed him and once I saw him at school again the dreams stopped. And now this thing has thrown itself in my face.
I can't really write much more of this at the moment so this is where I will end. If anyone has any ideas as to how I can deal with this I would love to hear them because right now I'm really failing at it. I'm just pissed off and confused and depressed and worried and so many other things I can't even keep them all straight.
Til next time
The day started out what I would think was normal until I looked at my phone and saw that I had a text from the guy I had dated over a year ago, the one who had so kindly reminded me that I need a guy willing to be independant. So my clingy ex texts me and wishes me a happy Valentines Day. This would not have been nearly as creepy if I hadn't talked to him since he left the school. After that I text one of my girl friends who he had dated after we broke up and asked her if he had sent her anything. When she said no the whole thing got super creepy. Though after talking to her I texted three other girls who had had hit on over the course of time he had been at the school and thankfully they had all gotten a similar text. The whole thing got way less weird.
It was snowing really hard all morning until about one thirty so I was stuck in the house so I didn't go out with my friends like I usually do, but I didn't really mind. The majority of them had a significant other so they've got their own plans and all my friends who don't were snowed in so I was just alone. When the snow finally broke my dad rallyed me to shovel out the driveway so we could go and shovel my grandmother out of her house. My mom and little sister are at some volleyball thing so they're both out of town for the weekend leaving just my dad and I.
After we got ourselves out of our house we drove up to my grandmothers and shoveled her out. We were going to do more at her house but the sun was almost down and it was way too cold so we finished up what needed to be done and headed home. After we got home my dad pitched the idea that we could go out to this little greek place for dinner, so we changed and headed down to the place.
The evening was rather enjoyable, one of the better I've had in a while. I completely forgot it was Valentines day by the time the night was over. Then I came home and discovered the wonder that is hulu.com and watched a shitload of Babylon 5 episodes and was rather content. Normally I get depressed and shit by the time Valentines day is here because it gives everyone around me grounds to call me a loser for my lack of a social life. I don't mind being single, I prefer it actually. Though lately I've been having really weird thoughts and feelings about things... well people to be more correct.
As I'm sure I've stated before I'm bi sexual, and I'm perfectly okay with it. I have very open boundries on love to the point where if I love a person and they love me than their gender really isn't a factor. However; I got some bad news from one of my friends recently that their parents are thinking of taking them out of school so that they can go to a different school a lot farther away. I almost broke down right then and there. She's been one of my closest friends for almost five years now and the thought of losing her before my Junior year scared the shit out of my. As I sat there forcing myself not to dissolve into tears she said that her parents had asked her to ask me if I would maybe consider transfering schools with her. This didn't help my already swiling emotions anymore. She told me that her parents were drive me to and from the school and everything but I just couldn't bring myself to even try and act excited or supportive.
I've been at the school I'm at since kindergarten. The school goes from preschool to 12th grade and I've been there for eleven of the thirteen possible years I could spend at the school. All my friends are at my current high school, all my memories are there, two more years and I'm a lifer of the school, someone who's been in the school their whole lives. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her that I would gladly give that all up just to be with her. And then I felt bad, and then I didn't. Her parents don't like the school because they're over achivers and they don't think that their daughter is preforming at her fullest so their solution is to pull her out as if that would solve the problem. I felt bad at first but then I wondered why the hell I should feel bad about not wanting to throw away the life I have at the school right now. She shouldn't be expecting me to be on board with it. She's asking me to give up everything I have at the school right now so I can go somewhere else for the last two years of my high school and I just can bring myself to tell her that I could.
I've done enough ranting for one day, I'll check back in every now and then but I've got a lot to think about right now. All of my senior friends are graduating this year and I'm still grappling with myself if I actually may like one of them or not, but that's for another day. I don't need all this fucking drama, I wish my friend would just tell her parents to get off her case and let her live her own life rather then let them dictate over her like she does.
Til next time.
- Mood:
crappy
Since I can't remember why
Let me die, let me die, let me die.
I really hate the weather here. Summer is unbearable, winter is frigid and every time else is just bleh. And no, for once I'm not just being dark about the situation, two of my friends agree with me on the snow situation. Frozen water in the eye is not as fun as you may think it is. We tried to make the best of it by catching snowflakes on our tongues, though gale force winds and eyes directed up at the sky don't always turn out as well as one would hope. That and we all already sort of felt like shit since we had just come from our school choir concert. My guy friend and I are both in the choir (though the lucky ass is transfering out) and he like all the guys were in the back and the altos (where I hang) were in the row in front of them. Our concert is really free form so they don't make us stand through the whole damn band and solo shit which is rather nice but unfortunately my guy friend unknowingly chose to sit by the amp and I like the loser person I am sat right in front of him in hopes of talking to him during the majority of the concert. I had no hearing in my right ear for a good two hours after the performance and we're pretty sure that he suffered some hearing loss. (this concert is pretty much the one I talked about in my last journal only this one was for the school instead of our parents)
He's seemed to have gotten a little better, he's not acting so off anymore and I'm really glad for it. One of my girl friends and I were starting to worry about him, but we don't think we need to anymore so we're glad. Once again the more time I spend with him the closer I am finding myself to him since we pretty much just talked whenever we weren't singing at the concert. I'm really beginning to think of him in the older brother role even if he doesn't think of it that way or know that that's the way I think of it. That's kind of where the awkwardness is starting. One of my friends really likes him and she's really liked him for almost the last three years but he had a girlfriend so she's been afraid to tell him and I sort of flipped out at her on IM the other day because I'm so sick of hearing her pine over him and refuse to do anything about the whole stupid situation. Afterward I felt really bad because I think I made her feel really bad about the whole thing but she still won't tell him and I've just barely convinced her that I'm okay with it. I haven't said anything to him though when I'm around him I can't help the little voice in the back of my head that tells me again and again that my girl friend likes him and sometimes it can get a little odd, though I try not to let it. He graduates this year so I don't know what she's going to do about this whole thing but I've also sort of given up trying to put my two cents into the matter after I realized how much I'd really freaked out at her over the IM.
We're on Christmas break and I'm amazed that we only have two days to go until Christmas is here. It fucking snuck up on me this year. Normally I'm counting down the days starting on December first and they just drag on one after the other and I begin to think we're never goign to reach the twenty-fifth and I woke up today and just realized it was the twenty-second. I could hardly believe it. I think it had to do something with the fact that we had finals this month and with all the studying and what not I just didn't pay any attention to the approaching date. Now it's two days away and I have no idea what I've been doing with myself all month. We also had the play going on for the first two weeks of the month so that may or may not have contributed to the stress levels that apparently blocked out the better part of this month. On the fast approaching Christmas and my apparent dismissal fo the time of month I think I've arrived at the conclusion that I have finally come to the age where Christmas lacks the luster it once held when we were young. It stopped being about the gifts for me a few years ago when I came to the place where I was just happy with what I got and now I think it's finally just become another day of the year that I get to miss school and spend a day with my family.
Its been a few good years now since I realized that Santa doesn't exist, though a part of my mind still clings to the hope that he does though I can't understand why. The rest of me has seemed to accept it though one part of me just doesn't want to let go of the small shread of belief that the man could really be real. My sister who's twelve just figured it out and is in the phase where anyone who believes in him is a dumbass so I've kept my views to myself, something I've found helps to keep one out of trouble in my house. On the note of my sister, my whole family for that matter, it seems that tenshions are rising again and it's sort of pissing me off. I have no idea why it seems that every other week my family is on edge and one can barely breath without being accused of something, all I know is that the whole thing is rather agrivating. Its like a week of being yelled at for existing. The whole thing is beyond my comprehension and so I'm come to a place where I just stay away from my family. I hole up in my room with my laptop and either listen to music or write, whatever it takes to avoid the tenshion filled house that lays beyond my four walls of the house.
I've been trying to sort a lot of shit out lately, though it looks like I did pretty well on all my finals so I think I'll be okay as far as my GPA is concerned for this semester. I had some rough patches at the beginning of this year but I think I'm doing alright now so that's one load off my chest. That's all for tonight. My mom is having me bake cookies for all out neighbors because there's clearly some reason she can't do it herself and once again due to all the tenshion I've decided to just shut up and try to figure out how long it's going to take me to an entire gallon of cookie dough tonight.
Til next we met.
- Location:My own seclusion
- Mood: crappy
- Music:Let Go Control - Saosin
I think it's finally set in that I'm just useless.
It doesn't matter what I'm doing or who I'm doing it with I'm just completely and utterly useless. It has seemed that every time something comes up where there's the chance for me to be useful I'm just a fucking awkward face in the crowd, with my friends above anything. When I'm with my friends I want to be helpful and every time I just somehow fuck up bad enough to get sent away somewhere. I'm not sure why it gets to be like this but lately it's like the fact has been rubbing itself in my face and refusing to let me forget that its there, and I really hate it.
Most of the time it's my friends who have problems I either can't relate to or have situations that I just can't think of anything to say. Only two of my friends have parents who are both married and still around. The rest of my friends parents are either divorced or one of their parents is dead or has health related problems. Because I don't have many problems at home a lot of the time I'm the one my friends come to talk to me about problems that they're having at home or things that are bothering them. More often than not I have no idea what to say, so all I can do is sit there and hug them or mumble a stupid sounding "it'll be okay". I alway feel like there's nothing I can do and it makes me so impossibly furious at myself, I can't stand my own god damn uselessness.
The other day in choir my teacher asked how the song "The Christmas Shoes" went so three of my friends who knew the song started to sing it. My other friend, who lost her father when she was seven, started to cry and asked them to stop and when they didn't she just got up and left the room in tears. Naturally I called them all dumb asses, in front of the teacher, and left to go after her. At the time I had no idea that she had lost her father when she was so young, I'd always thought he'd just left or something along those lines, so I had no idea what I was getting myself into . I found her in the bathroom and asked her if everyting was alright. Immediately she started crying and telling me all the reasons the song hit her so hard, about not having a dad at Christmas when she was only seven, about how close she felt to the song and all these things that I had no idea how to respond to. In the end all I could do was hug her as tight as I could and tell her it would be okay. Someone just told me something so deep and so personal about themselves and all I could do was stand there wiht nothing to say.
Somehow though, I've never felt as useless as I did tonight. Tonight was the night of our school choir and band concert, and one of my better guy friends sings in the choir with me and some of our other friends. I only started really hanging out with him in high school, which I only started last year. At first I was a little awkward being around him but over the last year and a half I've gotten really close to him and I think of him almost like my older brother. I like to spend time with him and he's a really nice and funny guy and I enjoy the tiem I get to spend with him, I spent the better part of my day today helping him with his humanities project. I have a lot of fun when I'm around him. He's also in my drama class and so we aren't incredibly shy around each other since we spend so much time together. The more I think about it the more he begins to seem to be like an older brother to me.
I didn't really realize how close I felt to him until today though when I did find myself spending the better part of my day alone with him. He was just staying at the school until the concert so he was there from three to almost nine and also would of had to work on his humanities project on his own and since there's been so much tenshion in my house I just decided to come home really quick to grab my clothes for the night and headed back to the school to hang out with him. It took us about an hour to finally finish his project and it looked really cool and I was glad that I could have helped him out with it. I also think that it was the longest time I have ever spent when it's just been he and I. After that two of my other friends showed up and we went to get ready for the concert.
He's seemed a little off in the last few days and I and a couple of my other friends have noticed. I was planning to ask him if everything was alright tonight after we cleaned up the concert stuff and started getting mass set up but while I was getting my stuff together so my parents could take it home for me I got pulled aside my one of my girl friends pulled me to the side and asked me if I could just go home since she thought something was wrong with my guy friend who I'd been hanging out with all day and told me he would talk to her but only if they were alone. In all honesty I felt as though I'd just been slapped in the face, but of course I wasn't willing to tell my friend that so I forced a fake smile and told her that was fine and that I would just tell him my parents had told me I needed to come home. I left the room quickly afterwards, refusing to let her see me cry. I don't think I've ever felt so hurt in my life. Anyone who knows what it feels like to be asked to leave because people don't think you'll be able to help knows exactly how I feel right now. I wouldn't let myself cry the entire way home and I still haven't full resigned myself to it.
I don't think I would feel as bad about the whole damn stupid situation if some stuff that happened tonight hadn't happened. I felt that he had really trusted me tonight and let me be there while he did something that I think was very signifcant to him which I'm not going to talk about. But I felt closer to him tonight then I could ever remember feeling and so to be asked to leave as if I didn't know anything about him really hit me hard. Also it has just managed to instill how useless I really am, clearly not even helpful enough to be there if one of my friends needs me, I just get in the way. I'm not mad at the friend who asked me to leave at all, only at myself for being so fucking useless that others don't even think I would be any use. My guy friend probably thinks I'm a bitch now to because I left on my other friends request without helping them set up, and I'm going to have to apologize for it tomorrow. So now I feel like a jerk because I couldn't do anything to help or have the damn guts to say that I wanted to stay and help, and also because I'm clearly so damn useless I can't even be trusted to help a friend out it they need it.
I'm going to stop here before I get myself into tears, I don't like dwelling on it at the moment. I feel like total and utter shit so I'm going to so see if there's anything I can do to take my mind off this whole fucking situation. Even if no one really gives a shit about this rant is fine, I don't really care, I'm just glad to be able to write it all down. I think I'll print this off and burn it tomorrow just so I can watch it go up in flame and smoke. Burning always seems to help me relax anyway so I think I'm going to go and light some candles and hate myself. To those who care thank you, and to those who think I'm just a whiny little self centered bitch, you're probably right.
- Mood:
frustrated
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